Some days it is one step backwards but then I move forward again. As the summer heat continues I think about rain quite a bit. The house continues to be huge around me. I didn't ever dominate this house; it wasn't my ideas that created how this house looks. Ed loved this house and really did not want to leave it. We talked about downsizing; we even downsized somewhat but never in a way that was meaningful and would let us actually move to a smaller place. Ultimately he still wanted to be here where he had lived for 43 years and the entire house has his mark upon it. Everywhere everything is arranged as he wanted it to be. When he first retired (I was still working) he completely rearranged the kitchen to suit his style and he loved cooking. He prepared fabulous meals for us every day. He walked every day with his friend. He gardened and at night we chatted about the things that he wanted to do and I was trying to persuade him to travel to Europe. He contemplated it for five years and finally he agreed and off we went. Once into traveling to Europe he loved it and we went back again and again. We walked the streets that his ancestors walked; saw where they sailed from to come to the American Colonies.
My first thought was to sell this house and I have pretty much thought that way since Edward died. But gradually I am thinking that I will stay here another three years. Downsizing takes a long time and by the end of three years I can see where I will have reduced in a respectful way everything that is here.
It was partly remembering his blogs that made me rethink how I was doing everything. I can publish everything in his research boxes on his blogs and that will make my task considerably easier. I am not really into corresponding with strangers. But if I just simply put everything out there for the world to search then I will have fulfilled his desires and perhaps in a much better way than just contacting one or two people. Why three years? It gives me a span of time to work in and will let me do all of this work in a much more meaningful way.
Each day that I live is a gift really. Thinking back to when I was so very ill 47 years ago I struggled for nearly four years to stay on my feet and keep going. A toddler helped me with that because she needed caring for but I slept when she slept and gradually my strength returned. The doctors especially the psychiatrist then said that I needed to be careful; take baby steps as I moved forward and above all avoid stress. Stay home as much as possible and I did follow their advice those first couple of years. But one does move on and new doctors made different suggestions which I did try. However, I must admit eventually I went back to that earlier advice to avoid stress and concentrate just on my daily life within my family and so I have returned to that state especially the last ten years since Ed got his pacemaker. His need for me became much larger and I was happy to be able to help him so very much.
So my timeline has changed and I am more relaxed. Gradually I am managing items that Edward preferred to do himself. The really big thing is to downsize so that in three years time I can sell this house and become a much smaller footprint if God so wills my life to come.
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