Spent late Friday and part of Saturday with my grandchildren. Having grandchildren was a huge surprise for me as I had never once considered that I would ever have grandchildren. I never commented to my children on the idea of grandchildren and encouraged my daughters to follow their dreams of working at whatever career suited them. They are both happy in their career choices but both have chosen careers with long hours. Medicine in northern communities is not particularly easy as you are it basically along with your colleagues if you happen to be in communities that are larger - family medicine, hospitalist and emergency room physician are your three work areas - frontline medicine really. The hours are long and the patient list also very long as there are never enough doctors for all of those patients. Both jobs very personally rewarding but also can lead to burnout. University professor is teaching and research and all that marking which takes hours and hours as you try your best to help the students as they move forward in knowledge and ability.
My grandchildren and I spent quite a few hours of busy time together but I am the one that is left. It is a new experience for me because both of my grandparents were widowed - my paternal grandmother died before I was born and my maternal grandfather died when my mother was only eight. The one that is left is regarded warily actually as they do not know when I will die and it is on their minds because grandpa died and COVID robbed them of a lot of that time with him. It affects our relationship which had been quite warm and close before Edward died. But we still have some moments of warmth and closeness until that wariness creeps back into their eyes as they look at me. Doing jumping jacks with the youngest and then shoulder stands doesn't take that away; I am still going to leave him at some point - you can see that in his eyes. Then suddenly he will say - Leave Grandma and I do because that makes his life easier to handle. The older one more accepting that I will age and one day leave him does make the most of his time with me. We played football for awhile - dreadful black flies though. Then he fished and I watched. At best I am never a fisherman (or fisherwoman but that sounds weird to be honest) as does fisherperson but guess if people need that kind of language to survive we need to accept that "mankind" does sound restrictive to some people. I saw it differently as a child; it meant that my brothers did not have their own words but rather shared them with women in that "mankind" included both men and women. I saw it as a taking away from their individuality rather than how some view it now as oppressive. But back to fishing and I do not put worms on hooks and so that was his task although I suspect his Dad helps him with that but he did it on his own with me. He nearly caught three (one quite large one actually) but they managed to eat the worm and get away. The fourth one was a winner though and we went and got a big dish pan to put him in for a bit but he was a lively one and jumped out twice and finally when his Dad came down he freed him back to his huge water home. The boys had a fun day and so did I. I can not do anything about the wariness in their eyes but just keep surviving so that they are older before the wariness becomes reality. I know what it is like to have a grandparent die when you are eight - it is just really sad. Something you sort of comprehend but keep allowing yourself to think he is still living although you kissed him goodbye in his coffin and he was gone; no kiss back. My grandmother was much younger and I had always thought of her as a singleton person not associated with my grandfather so did not experience that wariness - she taught me to double jump rope. She would be in my life for another twelve years and I was again deeply saddened at her loss. I visited her at the hospital the night before and it was a while before I laughed again but she would not have wanted that.
The dogs were so happy to see me. They forgot about jumping up on me but I did stand my ground. Soon they were settled once again and remembering not to jump up on Grandma.
On to the day; busy day yesterday and I definitely slept in past my usual 6:00 a.m. It is already 8:42 and I have not yet eaten my breakfast. Church on You-Tube. Prayers for Ukraine as always.
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