Remembering my mother these days after she was widowed. My father had spent seven years in long term care so she was the same age as I am now when he went into long term care. She was 82 when she was widowed but had had the seven years to prepare herself for that change in her life. I think it might be the abruptness of my husband's passing even though I knew he was quite ill the last year. My father did not have a chronic illness; he had a stroke which incapacitated him and made it impossible for my mother to care for him.
Just over the month since Edward passed away and the incredible loss is still very much with me. Analyzing it I can see that a lot of the loss is still that he did not do everything that he would have liked to do in his lifetime. I am sad for him because of that. He enjoyed life; approached every new event as something wondrous and exciting to pursue. I must admit we were alike in that respect. We liked to sit and look at each of our trips and review the possibilities of what we could also see if we just went for a walk here and there and we did it. I would make up an itinerary for each day of possibilities if we were into a hotel early. We didn't do happy hour or sit with people and chat we were out and about seeing everything that was possible to see and still stay within the guidelines of our planned day.
I will miss that enthusiasm for life that he had; already do. Even in lock down we managed to come up with interesting things to do; to look at to create. In that way he was bright and alert to the end of his life. His body failed him though; I still weep thinking of how much we had to help him those last few months. He never complained; he just wanted to keep on thinking and doing what he could in the time available.
I am in that state where widows reside for a while I rather think. My daughters constantly jolt me into the present which is good. But I am continuing my trip down memory lane as I find more and more of Ed's pictures and think about them each day in a blog. As we continue to box up his library to share with genealogists, we discover little bits of information tucked into a book that make us think of Ed all the while we are working away.
We are in lock down now until the 2nd of June. Lots of time to get all of these books boxed up and then given away. He loved every volume. Each one of the family books opened doors and led him backwards in time to an absolutely fascinating ancestry all lost to time.
I have all his DNA tests he did and the matches continue to pour in. Being from Colonial America he has so many matches. His DNA is really a permanent public memorial to him so long as these databases last and I have downloaded all of his results so really it is a permanent memorial for ever.
You will never be forgotten Edward; your family loves and misses you so much.
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