More than a week has passed but I was unaware of the passing days. Still in my quiet place remembering Edward and our 54 and one half years together. I remember when he used to talk about the future when we first married. His grandfather had married twice and was about to marry a third time he told me when he passed away and he felt that was a good life model. I thought it was a healthy attitude to feel that one could move on if the unexpected happened. I was still recovering from the knife attack at that time and life did seem rather transient. But you never really recover from incidents you just learn to deal with them. None the less there was a comfort in his saying that knowing that he could likely move on if anything happened to me. Marriage has a selflessness in it that can buoy you up in times of crisis in your life.
A workshop on grief today that I will attend. I am falling back on the coping mechanisms of that eight year old that lost her grandfather. It was just to keep looking to find my grandfather. Eventually I did find him in my memories and moved on. I am old enough now to realize that is recalling our lives together and it is comforting. Moving on for me is living with my daughters. A lot to do before that can happen.
I also could move into a retirement home. We were talking about that but Ed's medical needs were exceeding the ability of a retirement home and he would have had to have long term care. The one room has appealed to me all of my life and moving into such a room would also be satisfactory. It is a lot of work to keep up a house. My ability to do so has diminished particularly during this last period of Edward's illness (last May when it was feared he might not recover and now April; eleven extra months that were a gift really to those of us who love him).
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