At this time, I am not really accomplishing very much. I am thinking about what I have to do but knowing how to do it eludes me for some things. I am collecting up paperwork that I might need to assist me. I do realize that I am totally absorbed by grief and that will be the case for a while longer. My daughter pushes me to do the things as I need to do them and that is good to have someone to do that.
I am still not talking to anyone except my close ones. It seems like a time to just close the gates and remember so that I put into my mind forever the details that have great depth and meaning for me.
Ed's care over the last nearly five years since an ultrasound first pointed at the possibility of his illness has been wonderful. The doctors and nurses have been very helpful, the CCAC was very helpful but for most of the past year his care has been by my daughters and myself. We would have kept going on with that support as long as he needed us. When he suffered from various aspects of his disease we laboured long to eliminate the side effects. He became what he always was all of our marriage the absolute centre but in a different way. When the centre is gone the sides tend to collapse and we are working to shore ourselves up. Grief is never easy but God will see us through.
I think that my only way forward is to be with my daughters (one or the other) all the time. The memories flow over me from room to room; working in the garden and anywhere that I go here. My husband was talking about selling the house because it is just more than I can manage on my own; he used to help with the cleaning. I think I may follow that thought and move closer to my loved ones.
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