I continue to marvel at all the material that Ed has from his activities

As we continue to box up Ed's various collections of books and other material, I continue to marvel at all the organizations that he was involved in in his lifetime. Even back at the beginning of our marriage he was working with one of the people in the Library at the University as he passed interesting historical material that we acquired in our trips about the countryside collecting genealogical information on Edward's families. Then there was the Royal Astronomy Club in London, Ontario where we spent many hours at the telescope and with our own large telescope watched many celestial events. Never a dull moment for sure and getting up at 2:00 a.m. to watch the osculation of the Plaiedes over 50 years ago was one of the highlights of his life. It was a cold winter night and I can still remember it clearly as we watched on that crisp cold night with our new telescope. We were always busy. 

He continued in that vein as long as I knew him. He had things he wanted to do; places to go and he fulfilled most of his desires in the way that he wanted. He was always out and about enjoying everything that his advanced education opened his eyes to and all the interesting things about our earth that he wanted to explore and know. Even in illness he wanted to go to the Galapagos just to be there. Once that initial hesitation about flying across oceans was gone; he was ready to go anywhere. 

I know his spirit is with us always and when I feel like I can not manage to sort and manage all of his stuff I think he prods me on to do it and get it done. 

Ed had given his fourty year collection of National Geographic Journals to one of the First Nation's Reserve Library about four or five years ago plus a lot of their publications. There were very few that Ed did not buy actually. There are still likely a number of boxes of National Geographic books that I have just learned can also go to the same place. I am really pleased about that as Ed wanted them all to go there if they wanted them. 

Gradually we are boxing up all the books. We were in the process as Ed had wanted us to pull out all the Loyalist books to give to their library. Then we were to start to work on the Canadian and American genealogy books. He knew that I would not be using them and was quite content to have them go to the Ottawa Branch Library of the Ontario Genealogical Society. We did stop for a bit but in his memory it just seemed right to continue to do what he wanted. One huge bookcase is out of my workroom and the second will go soon as we are also boxing up all of my books for the move. Those huge bookcases quite dominated the space in the room and it seems more open now. The big challenge will be to get them down the stairs but I think I will hire a mover to do that. Then if the people next door decide not to take them all I can get them to take them to the Salvation Army. 

Ed was downsizing because he wanted us to move to a Retirement Home but his medical condition had reached a point where he needed more care than is available in a Retirement Home although we were hopeful. That was the intent of the geriatric rehab to see if he could become more independent. But it was not to be after all.

Edward at six years of age

Ed remembered this picture. He was six years of age and it is taken in his back yard. The pear tree in the foreground was huge when I was in Princeton. The pears off of that tree were delicious and he loved them so much that he planted a pear tree in our back yard which produced fruit for about twenty years (several bushels a year). His favourite was upside down pear cake (i.e. a white cake floated on a base of fresh pears, butter and brown sugar. 

 

 His grandsons look like him a little but especially their bright blue eyes. He adored them and they loved him back.

Edward and his wagon perhaps three or four years of age

Edward loved his wagon. He spent his young days helping his mother in the garden and always his trusty wagon to pull things back and forth. He was very much her helper as a child. When she took ill when he was around ten years of age his fear of losing her even showed when he was an adult talking about her being ill. 

 

 I am glad that we talked about some of these pictures when we were writing up his story. I did finally persuade him a year ago March to work on that but he was busy putting things together to pass on to the many groups that he worked with so our time was limited. But the long talks whilst I typed were interesting and more than we had talked about his childhood in our entire marriage. Neither of us talked much about our childhoods as adults. I think we were just busy living in the present like most young people and then busy raising children and for Ed his work; his French studies and his volunteerism. He began very early volunteering in our marriage with different organizations. I didn't usually get involved unless he needed my help.

Edward's Obituary at Beechwood web site

I actually never blogged the Obituary I wrote for Edward and that is on the Beechwood web site. I could have written pages and even then I would have missed so many of his wonderful contributions. Tributes to him on genealogical sites have captured a number of these items.

These few lines following do not fully capture my husband and so I have devoted many days to talking about him. 

 

Edward Burnice Kipp, HBSc, PhD, MLS, UE

Following a long illness bravely fought, Edward Kipp passed away at 2:19 am Saturday 10 April after an evening spent with his wife and two daughters. Edward Kipp was born 16 April 1943 in Burford Township, Brant County, Ontario. He was one of the two sons of his parents Lorne Kipp (born in Gobles, Ontario) and Phyllis Link (born in Carievale, Saskatchewan). His brother Allen and sister in law June predeceased him. He attended public school in Princeton, Ontario and high school in Paris, Ontario. He then attended Western University (formerly the University of Western Ontario) where he studied Chemistry and received his HBSc in Chemistry and PhD in Inorganic Chemistry. He worked as a Research Scientist for two years in Environmental Chemical Engineering. He returned to the Western University to do his MLS. He then worked at the National Research Council of Canada for nearly thirty years as a Research Information Specialist. He is survived by his wife Elizabeth, daughters Margaret and Kathryn, son in law Rick, grandsons Felix and Thomas and his many nieces and nephews, great nieces and great nephews. During his seventeen years of retirement (and before) he was very involved with the Ottawa Branch of the Ontario Genealogical Society, co-led Historical Bus Trips into the United States and with his wife toured parts of the United States and Europe. In 2012 he received the Queen Elizabeth II Diamond Jubilee Medal for his lifelong volunteerism. In lieu of flowers donations to the Ontario Genealogical Society would be very much appreciated. May God bless you and keep you dear Edward, may God’s Countenance shine upon you and give you peace. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. 

This was the original which is slightly different from the actual Obituary - partly because I emailed it to myself and didn't do a good job of capturing it all before submitting it and I added in the corrections/additions.
 

The path continues

Sorting and listing books again yesterday. Over ten boxes now completed. Perhaps we are 1/3 rd of the way.  I feel sad but I can not keep all of these books. They would benefit so many researchers as he has collected many of them from the New England States and different conferences that we attended over the last twenty odd years. He showed me how he had recorded all the information but I can also go to the Archives and look items up if I need to in the future. 

He loved his library. Actually Edward loved all of his possessions and was very protective and careful of them. They were him partially; an extension of his being and so he can continue doing what he liked to do which was to help other people achieve their genealogical goals. He did help in the library for quite a while I think. The years blur but he did go regularly until the year of the Pacemaker. Then I started going with him to help him. That was the case with all of his commitments. I took on items I never would have done in many cases. It was probably good for me but I also found it exhausting at the time.

I am still in the in between land of where I was and where I will be. It is still hazy and I am still avoiding people simply because I do not want to talk. I want solitude to cement my memories which will then help me to move forward. My conversations are few and necessary at the moment. I will try harder later to communicate.

Edward around three years of age perhaps

This one is out of sequence but decided to put it in anyway. He looks younger than the last picture. This is in front of his house and you can see the large house at the end of the street. He looks very happy. Like most children in this time frame he wore overalls before he went off to school.  He looks happy and that bush behind him became quite a tall thick bush by the time that I saw it about twenty years later.

 

 

Why am I moving?

Simply to save my daughter and her family time. It isn't practical for my daughter to have me here so I will move to where she is. I like living in the city; I love the anonymity of it. Just moving about through a store or anywhere without having to talk a lot is comfortable. There is a comfort for me in that anonymity; fear dominated my life after the knife attack in my late teen years for a while but I gradually took back the space around me and then the area around me and gradually the city around me. I never want to lose that again. Fear is a dreadful thing actually. 

As April draws to a close

The days in April are quickly disappearing. Slowly I accomplish the tasks that I need to do to take me to the end of the first tunnel. Life can be a bit of a maze sometimes as we cannot see around the corner. I have things that I need to do and a time when I would like to be finished. 

Years ago when I learned to drive I acquired confidence after taking a course in Defensive Driving. The line that stuck with me and continues to do so is that every trip is from A to B. The thing you must accomplish is getting from A to B and doing everything in your power to do that in spite of all the distractions and problems along the way. Work on each distraction and each problem as you reach it. 

Looking out the window the grass is all awake and glowing back green. No dandelions yet and will meet those when they arrive. The spring cleanup will start 1st of May as always. With Ed's guidance last fall, spring cleanup will be small. He liked it that way so that he could enjoy the spring.  It was perhaps his favourite season although he never said so. He liked all the seasons. He loved living and he did it to the fullest of his imagination. Even when disease crippled him, he continued to enjoy a smaller space. He watered his plants and looked after them until he could not and then he had us do it for him. 

The contented look on his face on returning home was enough for us always. This was his kingdom; his place where he felt confident and relaxed all at once. 

His greatest joy was in his daughters. He loved singing in the Church Choir at Orleans United Church and being Treasurer while the Church was being built. He loved helping to build the Church physically and being part of that. But it grew so very large and he felt less at home there. Although Dominion Chalmers was much larger the minister there was a Early Old Testament Scholar and a chance mention of a lecture in the Church Bulletin at OUC brought us to Dominion Chalmers back in the 90s. I think it rekindled his spirit at a time when his brother was very ill and his mother was in her 90s. We were soon attending every week choosing anonymity (my preferred state) to Church in our community. He found the sermons/lectures (for they truly were) to be uplifting at a time when he needed that kind of direction. When that minister retired we went to Christ Church Cathedral (my Anglican Church) and have been there ever since. We were mostly anonymous singing and praying on our own and he enjoying the wonderful choirs there. 

But genealogy started to dominate his life and the Ottawa Branch of the Ontario Genealogical Society was quickly garnering up his attention. He went to his first meeting with his cousin Gordon Riddle way back in the early 1980s. They shared a common interest in their family history. Gradually genealogy consumed him and occupied all of his time from the day he retired to the end of his life. But the journey was magnificent for him and he enjoyed every step of the way on the path to his ancestors. The distances traveled were huge and the number of repositories visited still stun me as we moved from place to place moving backwards in time to the 1620s and 1630s when his people came to the American Colonies.

Ed and his scooter

 Ed put this picture from 1949 when he was six years of age. He went to school a little early when he was just five into Grade 1 and he was sure that this was taken the spring of that Grade 1 year when he had turned six. I think they are on Church Street looking at Main Street and their home is on their left. The house at the very end of the street was quite large so I think I might be right. We did not get to talking much about the pictures when we were writing his story but he would mention them sometimes. He loved going to school.

 

If Ed was six then Allen is 13 and a half. The boys were still close at this age. Both were at the same school but Allen left school at 16 and went to work. He bought a car and was out and about more. Ed spent most of his growing up years with his mother and when she was working he would stay with his Grandmother Kipp.

Continuing to move forward

I am continuing to move forward although my daughters and I do find grief is still very much with us. Today the pharmacist kindly certified copies of our wedding registration so that I can now send in the two items to the CPP. Everything is just a little bit more difficult with a lockdown. Grocery shopping today for the first time in nearly a month. Grocery store looked entirely different as they have ripped up the old flooring and are redoing the shelving. But the order was there more or less and I was in and out in about 20 minutes. Not too many people shopping early. I was home just after 9 from my two trips. 

Still a lot to do and a couple of phone calls today to clarify items. I sound so foreign to myself when I am talking. In the midst of grief one takes on a sort of personality that helps you to keep going but you are wrapped in a wall that seals you away from everyone other than the necessary items that have to be done. 

Planning the plants for around Ed's urn. I have a beautiful table that we bought many many years ago that I will use. Ed so loved gardening both inside and out. I am not much of a gardener but thus far his indoor plants are thriving. I have always been a support person in our household and I do like to have my own projects to occupy me. But principally I am a person who prefers to be at home quietly pursuing my projects. I did like working but that was a different facet of my personality. All of my jobs had interesting points and when they no longer did I tended to move on. Ed was a stayer; once in a job he stayed. He loved working at the National Research Council - he would have loved being a scientist all of his life but a small part of me was not sorry to see him go into Library Science. He had colds when he worked in a laboratory with all those chemicals. Working with books he was extremely healthy the entire time he worked at NRC. 

Still have to work on the burial plan at Beechwood. He wanted to be buried there. I can not decide yet how to do all of that. We did not complete our original plan so Ed's preparation was done separately. Now I need to develop a plan for myself including a burial plot to have it ready for the day when I join my husband. Do I keep his urn until I am buried is the question uppermost in my mind at the moment? I will answer that at a later date. My daughters are planning a Family Memorial in the summer for their Dad. 

Moving into widowhood I am doing at a very slow rate. I would rather still have Edward with me. He still had so many plans and places to go. Still so much writing to do most of which I can not do because I initially helped him with his research but then went onto my own. I cannot do both so my own will be my pursuit of the future. But I do want to make sure all of his research is shared with his thousands of cousins that have corresponded with him. Hopefully some will write me to help with that task. Time will tell.

Edward at five years of age

Ed thought he remembered this picture from when he was five years of age (1948) but couldn't remember why it was taken. He is dressed up in his suit and they are likely going to Church which was just around the corner. Everything is pretty much around the corner in Princeton, Ontario. He thought a neighbour had taken the picture.

 I think it might be early spring as Ed looks like he is wearing a tuque and a heavy coat over his suit. He may have just turned five years of age. 

His mother is looking well again. Although she had Type II Diabetes all the time that I knew her and since Ed was about ten years of age, she was a fairly healthy person. She used to stay with us for a month at a time when the girls were young and by the time the girls were grown she was really too old to travel (she lived until 2000 and was 94 years of age). They loved having her come to stay.

Not ready yet

Although I am doing shopping as needed and trying to solve any problems that arise, I am just not ready yet to talk to anyone. It will be a while. Ed and I were close but this last year brought us so much closer together. Our shared thoughts still run through my brain and the sharing is gone now. Just me to move forward without him. I want to do that the best way that I can. I want his grandsons to remember him for the marvelous person that he was. His daughters and I already do.  Having to talk on a personal level leaves me absolutely exhausted and unable to cope for a period of time. It will take me time.

It is the Lord's Day

Today is the Lord's Day and Church at 10:30 on YouTube at Christ Church Cathedral Ottawa. The steady rhythm of my life must take over from my sorrow; I try to do all the things that I was doing when we were caring for Ed. I always woke early and worked on my Microsoft Solitaire before he woke up. I continue doing that. I need continuity to get me through these days ahead of me. At the end of the first tunnel is my daughter's home where I will be once I have settled up everything here. It is a wrench to sell this house because of all the memories. Tomorrow we will have lived here for 43 years. But for my own health I  must downsize, pack up and go. A complete change may restore me in time. I was so exhausted by the end of the year of nursing Edward. Not sure I entirely realized how exhausted I was becoming. You get into patterns and just repeat them day after day and I was very strong.

This house wasn't meant to be our home forever. Ed wanted to buy a larger single family house. He and the girls went house hunting about thirty years ago. But they didn't find anything to replace what we had here in both feeling and space. For some reason they built three out of four of the bedrooms quite large and the girls enjoyed all that space. So we stayed on here year after year as the girls finished school and then went into their adult careers. Sometimes I could see Ed looking at larger homes but gradually he was glad we stayed here; everyone was happy here and he realized that he didn't want to move either. 

He could retire early in 2004 and what a wonderful thing in retrospect that he did. That extra few years when his health was excellent gave him the impetus to fine tune his genealogical research and led to his great discoveries. We traveled all over the northeastern United States making one great discovery after another. It was reward time and he reaped the benefits of his dedicated research. I did work another three years but he was happy at home working away on his family tree and into so many genealogical activities it kept my head whirling as we made trip after trip to one event after another. Life was incredibly busy and stayed that way until early 2020 when COVID-19 struck except for the year of the Pacemaker 2011-12 as I tend to refer to it. 

But today is the Lord's Day and I shall rest and be glad in it.

Edward and his mother

This picture of Edward and his mother and he is perhaps two or three years of age. I realize he never actually dated this one. It is a bit deceptive because he was a big child for his age in these young years. His mother (Phyllis Margaret (Link) Kipp) was 37 years of age when she was widowed. She raised the two brothers on her own returning to work at the local store until she retired in 1973.

 

 

Edward was extremely proud of his mother and her accomplishments. She played the piano at Church as well as working full time. They used to sing duets together at home and Ed did learn to play the piano initially from her and then lessons later. 

In the picture he looks like he is trying to go towards the person taking the picture. I think it might be a warm spring day as no buds on the vine.  

After Edward's mother retired in the early 1970s she started to be a tour leader for bus trips to Florida from the Princeton/Brantford area. She loved doing it and it was interesting that when Ed was approached to co-lead tours into the Mohawk Valley initially he welcomed the opportunity to do so. His admiration for his mother was perhaps prompting him to follow in her footsteps. Although the opportunity to learn more about where his Link family (his mother's family) had lived in the Mohawk family certainly drove that enthusiasm as well. Ever the genealogist!

I need to have a rest

I know that I need to rest but I am finding it difficult to really do so. To let go of everything that I am worried about and just meditate. Why do I worry? Hopefully the house will sell easily but I am trying to leave that with my son in law. The lawyer will handle the house switchover. I am writing a new will as my old one was no longer useable. What else is there to worry about? Downsizing but that is moving along and it is COVID-19 that prevents me from doing some things. I also have my daughters help.

I do need to contact a few organizations to see if they want Ed's equipment/material. He meant to do that but COVID-19 prevented him from doing it as well. It is like a great divide - Life before COVID and Life after COVID and the hiatus in between. 

I wanted to do the Labyrinth  the other night but I could not calm myself to be a meaningful part of that. I have been trying for a couple of years now ever since Ed started into his decline. I didn't see it as a decline then but looking back it was a gradual loss that he fought bravely against. He still maintained many of his activities although I now went to everything just in case he needed help driving and eventually doing all the driving. Was I interested in what was happening? Sometimes but it is quite a while since I attended a meeting just because I wanted to go. 

He was so completely absorbed in his family research the last decade and it constantly returned to him a great deal of gratification. As DNA became the norm to look at in terms of cousin ship and family matching; he found line and after line verified for him in his tracing back. He was thrilled. He always felt the research was correct but seeing the science made it all the more rewarding. His skills from doing his PhD and MLS certainly showed in his research. His work as a Research Scientist from long ago was also rewarded as citations started to mount up on his early work. He lived his life to the full and was a happy person within himself. His only frustration at the end was a disease that eventually claimed him. 

I am realizing that once I have squared up his research I am keen to go back to working on mine. That is a glimmer at the end of the tunnel for me. 

Outside work soon to do. I need to rake the lawns and the new year of gardening begins but considerably scaled back to what we initially (all of us) thought about in the winter. Ed certainly was part of that planning and we will try to do some of what he wanted.

Edward at the local swimming hole

One of Edward's favourite people was his mother's brother his Uncle Elton. Here he is pictured again with his brother Allen and his Uncle Elton. I think that it might be 1947 when Edward was around four years of age and his brother would have been about 13. Elton in this picture would have been 42. Like all the men in Edward's family he was a farmer and lived perhaps 1-2 miles from Princeton right across from Edward's grandfather Link (his mother's father).  Ed, in his early teen years used to bike over to his Grandfather's house in the summer to help out around the farm.

 

He has his big smile in this picture. He loved the time spent with his Uncle and brother. I am noticing that already at this young age Ed was a good size including his feet. He always said he had big feet and when he had to wear support stockings it was a test of strength to get them on his feet. He had wonderful legs and until just the last year of his life he retained those wonderful legs. 

We started writing his story in early summer. We would work on it for a couple of hours at a time. I tried not to show it but I found it heart wrenching. I knew bits and pieces of his life as a child but when he recounted it his life sounded so lonely as a child. I used to space our time between a couple of days of rest as I did find that loneliness in his voice talking about his childhood very sad. 

He was such a good father. He loved both girls dearly and being eight years apart he had plenty of time to spend on each of them in their early years. I remember him lying on the floor pretending to be a dead horse and the girls throwing themselves on him. He loved it. 

End of the day

This was a long difficult day but finished thankfully. Car loan is all paid. Car is transferred to me. Monday I need to check to make sure I have done everything now for the house and car insurance. I also need to determine if the City will debit the account for the taxes on the first of May. Other than that I appear to be breathing a little easier this evening. 

Continuing with our book sorting and we hope to finish that by mid May. Then we can start to think about his camera collection (most of which went to the Princeton Museum) but there are still about six boxes and ancient developing equipment. 

There is also equipment for Ham Radio which he also loved doing and was very involved with the local Club back in the late 70s and 80s. Ed had so many hobbies; he loved life and he lived it to the full. Even in his illness he was still working away on his family research on into early February. We still chatted about it into March.

Early in June my son in law will get the house put up for sale; he is organizing that for me. The last house I was involved in selling was in the spring of 1975. We have lived here for 43 years. The family next door to us moved in a couple of months later and we are the longest living people on this street. Initially I did get involved with welcoming people when we first moved in (an unusual thing for me) and it didn't last long. It isn't really me to go house to house and welcome people. It isn't really me to stand at a welcome desk at Church either and I was not sorry to leave the post although I did do it well. I was glad to get back to work and become my normal hibernating self. I had promised Ed I would go to Church as a family with he and the girls and I did do so for nearly 20 years. But he didn't mind after ten years when I decided to go back to my own Church for the early service on Sunday; I still went with them at 11. 

Not sure what tomorrow will be like. Having to do all these things pulls me out of my beloved hibernation. I will be happier when I settle into life with my daughter and work on my husband's papers and files to get them sent to people who may be interested in having them.  Then I can get back to my research having managed my husband's research respectfully. He loved his 17 years of retirement working on his family tree with all of its surprises and all of the other things that he did do as well. His retirement was as busy as his working career. I would say his was a life well lived and he did it very well.

Ed in Princeton Ontario

Ed loved the small village in which he grew up - Princeton, Ontario. We went back there every year even the last few years. We had planted hosta on his parents' and grandparents' graves. They were growing beautifully the last time we were there. He would have liked to have gone last summer but time had caught up to him and we did not go. I felt it would be too hard on him and he agreed it was likely too much and we would do it next year. Ever the optimist Edward. 

Edward loved cats. He used to sleep with his tabby cat when he was young. He is probably around three here he thought and he is at home in Princeton, Ontario. His brother Allen is with him in this picture again. A year since his father died and the little boy is smiling again. He searched and searched for his father for a long time as a two year old can not really understand what happened. Then he went through a period of not mentioning him which lasted a long time his mother said. 

 

 

The same day and Edward is smiling for the camera holding on to his tabby kitten. Ed had the largest hands but his touch could be so gentle with his little girls. The girls used to like to put their hands inside of his big hands. 

He loved his home but did finally sell it after his mother passed away. He had decided he did not want to move back to Princeton so far away from the work that he wanted to do in his research and he was not ready to retire yet. She died in 2000.

Still on the train ride

I am still on that train ride and can not get to the station yet where I can get off and rest a while. Waiting and wondering what I have to switch and what I need help with and how to reach the areas where problems get solved. Still grieving Ed and he did think everything was organized. I think it mostly is but I keep watching for things to happen - the car loan should have come off today and did not. Ed always felt it was good for his credit rating to have a small loan. Will try to solve that one today. The next big hurdle is in the lawyer's hands which is fortunate as we are in lockdown and I am sure they know how to manage around that.  I am used to Ed managing all of these things. He enjoyed doing that actually but I did always tag along for the ride; I suppose I should have taken on more responsibility but I tend to get ill when I get too involved so he preferred that I just sit and listen and do whatever it was he wanted. He enjoyed his life; had a few disappointments but just moved on from that. The biggest joys other than his children did come later in life during his retirement. He was always interested in his family and our first genealogy trip out of Canada to the US in 1973 was to search out his Kipp roots. We had already during the seven years before that spent time at the Toronto Archives and local Archives trying to find out more information. His discoveries over those seventeen years after retirement were an enormous joy to him.

Still packing up books for the OGS Library and UEL Library. Those were Ed's two requests for his books being downsized. We will do our best to fulfill that request. I also learned that Friends of the Archives would likely take all of his historical novels to resell at their book sale so they could go there; we had them slotted for Salvation Army along with other miscellaneous books. Still so much to do but there is plenty of time before selling the house. Found someone to take his huge bookcases - solid wood and he stained them beautifully. They had already taken one and will take the other five that are the same. Still another two big bookcases and five slightly smaller ones but not quite as big as those. They are not solid wood so will just try to put them out and see if anyone wants them. The rest I will keep for the books that remain and surprisingly that is seven smaller bookcases. No wonder our children wondered if they lived in a library!

I will likely donate all of Ed's medical equipment to one of the agencies mentioned by CCAC. They will get good use I am sure. At first I thought I would keep everything as I am getting older and I would much rather fade away at home quietly and I may yet keep everything. We will see what I am like after all of this exertion. I feel drained most days as my strength is being taxed to its limit. The year of nursing Ed has been hard on me and now trying to work through everything is also very taxing. 

Perhaps the train will sit on a siding for a bit in May while we work away at downsizing. I could use a break. I almost tremble thinking that COVID-19 has made my hibernating a normal event in people's lives. Although I found it pleasant and easy to just be here all the time, my husband found it confining and restricting. He just wanted to do his usual walking and shopping and he just couldn't get into the mind set of walking about the house round and round so he was not getting enough exercise which was actually harmful to him. I do hate COVID-19 and feel like Edward was also a victim of it even though he fortunately never caught it. But it stopped his usual activity and that was really bad for him I think.

Downsizing

When Ed finally started to talk about downsizing life had moved beyond that possibility. COVID-19 made it very difficult to manage. We had reached a point where we were fortunately discussing what to do with his book collection and that is now being done.  Yesterday was a difficult day. Too many things happening at once and I hope some clarity out of today to help me along this path. I still do not really know the way that I am following but it does lead to a quiet time at my daughters home. Is it the right path; it will be the right one for me. I am tired; incredibly tired and a different life around me will help me to sort out the rest of my life. 

It was sad to see the impact on him of Marilyn passing. He loved his two cousins very much and they were quite pleased with him. I enjoyed our get togethers with them and listening to their stories of their young lives at Paris District High School. 

Right now the exhaustion brought on by my nervous disorder is very much with me as I plod along. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel - possibly but it is pretty blurry at this point in time.

Another picture and mistake corrected

Although I have been attending United Empire Loyalists meeting with Edward for twenty years or more for some reason it had not really sunk into my brain that in using the designation of the Society one wrote UE not UEL. I have now had my error corrected on the Beechwood Site. In my moment of loss, I wrote his obituary and I think it is perhaps something one might write for oneself and will remember that for the future. Apologies to anyone who was offended by my error.

Another picture of Edward and this one can be dated as after June 1945 as he is now living at the house where he grew up in Princeton, Ontario on Church Street.

 

He was guessing that this picture was from 1946 when he was around three years of age. He is with his older brother who would have been eleven years of age. This was the home that he knew as a child and he lived there until he went away to University in 1962 in London, Ontario.

His cousins Marilyn and Jane

Once Edward reunited with his two cousins Marilyn and Jane, we saw them regularly in the past decade sometimes as often as three times a year. We would meet at our hotel, or a restaurant or a house. These two cousins were like sisters to him. He loved being with them and I loved watching them together chatting about Paris District High School which they attended and any family stories that they shared in common. Sadly just a short time before Edward was taken to the hospital Marilyn had died. He felt her death deeply; their bonds were real and tight those three cousins. He met with other cousins as well and bonds were formed that had been lost in his adult years. He was a big brother to them; both of them were widowed I think. He was so excited to be with them as you can tell by his smile.

 

They were always trying to include me in the conversation but I always quickly turned it back to them. This was his special time. I said that I was collecting up their stories in my mind to write down later for him. They returned to their stories of their time together as children. Although I hated that long drive; I was happy to see the smile on his face as he enjoyed being with his cousins. 

My sister sent me a wonderful picture of Edward with her and she would be about 12 years of age and Edward was 23. He thought a great deal of my siblings and especially my youngest siblings. That is his million dollar smile. He has to be pretty relaxed to smile. He tended to be a very serious person. 

 

Being the fourties not so many pictures

The next picture of Edward was again on the farm and winter. He is not yet two years of age as he is still on the farm. His father died when he was two years and two months of age. 

We discovered these two pictures (the one in yesterday's post and this one) in his mother's Hope Chest in the early 2000s. Ed had had the chest since she died in 2000. He was excited to find them as he did not remember seeing them when he lived at home. 

This was by far Ed's greatest find in his mother's Hope Chest. It wasn't with the other pictures but in the bottom of the trunk and I remember the day that he found it there. I had just retired. He was over the moon with joy. It is the only picture of him with his father. Why it didn't show up until much later is a mystery. It could have been stuck to something perhaps but finding it was a great joy to Edward.

On the back it does say 1944 so he is perhaps around one year of age. He was a big child compared to his older brother (and my husband towered over his elder brother when I knew them both). Finding this picture gave him a closeness to his father he had never had in my experience. We have a number of pictures of his father and Ed did look like him although the most striking similarity is with his Grandfather Kipp (father of Lorne his father). 

I am still not myself. My life seems to be in a turmoil from which I can not escape. I am not trying very hard to do so either. I am immersed in grief at his loss. Partly it is that he had so much he still wanted to do and I feel sad about that; partly he wanted to live to be 90 and the life he lived was smoke free and mostly alcohol free as long as I knew him. But sarcoidosis crept in and controlled his destiny. Partly I will miss him as long as I live.

I keep thinking of how he escaped so many times in the last ten years. The pacemaker in 2012 restored him to almost the state he was in before he became terribly ill (triple heart block). The sudden ulcer that nearly claimed him in the summer of 2018 but he bounced back again from that and we continued to travel from cousin to cousin. Although in my heart I just wanted to stop and stay home I went with him and met even more cousins; looked at thousands more pictures and listened to more and more conversations about his families. The miles that we traveled to do all of that work; I shudder still at the number of passes through Toronto although eventually I persuaded him to take the 407 which helped me for sure. Ed would drive anywhere and he didn't care the distance. I used to drive to give him a break on the highways as strange cities are difficult for me. Then last May when he was so dreadfully ill although his recovery was not quite as strong not quite as good and gradually as the year passed he weakened, although I kept thinking he just needs rehab and he came back somewhat. Even at death's door I still imagined that I could feed him well and bring him back. That is perhaps why I remain immersed in grief; I never prepared myself for the possibility. But then who does really?

But there is work to do and I am setting about it slowly with my daughters help. The lawyer who wrote our original wills has kindly agreed to assist me although he is now mostly retired. The prodding that I need to move on is in place and I am responding to it slowly. To pay my husband the greatest respect I need to move his research to others and that is my goal ahead of me.

Born in a Blizzard

My husband Edward was actually born during a raging blizzard on the 16th April 1943. The doctor who delivered him went into the ditch a bit down the highway from the farm where he was born and had to trudge through deep snow the last little bit of the way. Today is cold enough to snow and brought back to my mind the story that was told to me about the birth of Edward. I think he liked hearing that story every time it was told. We still have the rocking chair that his grandmother Kipp sat in rocking him after he was born. 

When he was walking his father used to take him to the barn with him in the morning. His mother was barely five feet tall and Ed was a big child and she could hardly carry him once he was a year old. Farms were flexible like that; his Dad built him a big playpen in the barn and that was where he spent his mornings while his Dad did the work that he needed to do there. Before he was 18 months he could climb out of the playpen and his Dad found him trying to milk one of the cows which had stood there patiently while he did that apparently. 

I am trying to recall all of those little stories these days. We did sit down and write Ed's story finally after the Lockdown last year but it isn't very long and any of these details that I can recall can also go into the story. I need to put all his pictures in next and will work away at that. Getting all of his projects tied up and distributed is going to take most of the next year I expect. I intend to do my newsletters once I am back as a person. At the moment I am still floating about in the place where people go to grieve. 

 Edward around 18 months and his brother about ten years of age at the farm.

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed at the moment. There is so much to do. I need to keep moving forward getting projects done. I keep thinking now this could have happened last May when he was so very ill and I was less involved in the business of the day. My husband preferred to maintain everything; pay all the house bills and generally manage our lives. I was quite content to just live in that bubble that he created. It was an easy life after I retired. He preferred to make all the decisions with or without my input but I did not complain. Life was always interesting living with Ed. Looking after him physically all year with my daughters help and gradually assuming the financial impact of looking after the house and our lives was a gradual event that happened simply because he was no longer able to do it all. But in reality he paid the January bills at the beginning of January although I did help him enter everything. I actually taught him bookkeeping because I studied it in school. But he quickly learned electronic bookkeeping on his own. 

Last night we packed three boxes of books. A beginning that has to be multiplied by 20 times perhaps. The number of boxes might be less than I imagined. Although there are still a lot of bookcases to do. The charity boxes are filling. The biggest problem is where to take all this material. We are in lockdown. 

It was perhaps too early to attend a Grief Workshop on the one hand as I really did not participate. On the other hand I did see the normal flow of Grief explained which will be helpful to me in the days ahead. I will be less frightened by it. I can see the grief I felt now when my beloved grandmother died and later when my parents passed away and my oldest brother and then second oldest brother. You do not always notice when you are grieving except in hindsight I expect. 

Survivour Guilt

I am entering into survivour guilt. Ed was always going to outlive me in my mind. He was so healthy right into his late 60s. We biked, walked, canoed, skied, skated and he genuinely enjoyed his retirement years doing everything that he wanted to do. He wanted to live to be 90. Today we begin packing books which will be good for me because he was moving in that direction and I will be continuing to do what he wanted to do. Perhaps as I get through all the books and the house begins to empty I will be able to see a path for me to follow with the rest of his material. He so loved working; being busy and doing beneficial things. Historical projects that benefited the many was always his aim. But he still found lots of time for his own research which was great. 

He had planned this three week trip down into Pennsylvania and New Jersey for the fall of 2017 and was about to begin booking. But his health caught up to him and it became impractical for him to do that even with my help driving. It was just too far and too long away. This was to look at his Force family (his great grandmother was Elizabeth Force married to Benjamin Kipp). He knew quite a bit about her but the information on the Force family of New Jersey was all there for the most part. We had looked at an enormous box of Force material at the NYGBS Library when it was still at their headquarters (now in the Library of New York City main branch). Someone had assembled a lot of material so I had gone through that box to see what was there. I constructed a few trees for him back in 2008 of relevant families and I had taken a lot of pictures. But original records are best found in the county offices in each state it would appear for American Research. I never really got into American Research as I do not have any American ancestors. Hence the trip to New Jersey and along the way looking at his Pennsylvania people. 

I watched as his world slowly narrowed and we only did trips in Ontario except for one to the Maritimes to a Family Reunion. He never complained even once and continued to meet with cousins all over to share information. 

I watched as his health was slowly eroding. It was something I hid from him; those tears. Now he is gone and I am left. I need to finish off the items that he was working on and get them to their proper home.

The Grief Workshop

"Death needs to be peaceful and amongst loved ones which is the case for me. It is the loss, the missing person  that is hardest to manage in the period just after death. I am working my way through the loss."

The Workshop opened my eyes to the process of grief which I did really need to see. I did not participate other than my initial comment above. Thank you to Compassionate Ottawa and CARP for the Workshop.

19th of April 2021

More than a week has passed but I was unaware of the passing days. Still in my quiet place remembering Edward and our 54 and one half years together. I remember when he used to talk about the future when we first married. His grandfather had married twice and was about to marry a third time he told me when he passed away and he felt that was a good life model. I thought it was a healthy attitude to feel that one could move on if the unexpected happened. I was still recovering from the knife attack at that time and life did seem rather transient. But you never really recover from incidents you just learn to deal with them.  None the less there was a comfort in his saying that knowing that he could likely move on if anything happened to me. Marriage has a selflessness in it that can buoy you up in times of crisis in your life.

A workshop on grief today that I will attend. I am falling back on the coping mechanisms of that eight year old that lost her grandfather. It was just to keep looking to find my grandfather. Eventually I did find him in my memories and moved on. I am old enough now to realize that is recalling our lives together and it is comforting. Moving on for me is living with my daughters. A lot to do before that can happen. 

I also could move into a retirement home. We were talking about that but Ed's medical needs were exceeding the ability of a retirement home and he would have had to have long term care. The one room has appealed to me all of my life and moving into such a room would also be satisfactory. It is a lot of work to keep up a house. My ability to do so has diminished particularly during this last period of Edward's illness (last May when it was feared he might not recover and now April; eleven extra months that were a gift really to those of us who love him).

When will I surface

That is a good question, when will I surface? I am not sure that I ever will. I really do not want to. I want to move the clock back a couple of years but time is relentless; it moves onward. 

There is so much to do but my daughters are so much help to me. They are both working full time but do find the moment to push me in this direction or that; wherever I need to go; whatever decision I need to make I do eventually make it. I am not talking to anyone other than them. I barely respond to emails and it is always belated. I try to do the polite thing when I need to do that but mostly I just want to be alone while I solidify my memories.  

COVID-19 helps me at the moment. There isn't anywhere I need to be; there isn't anyone I need to see except the necessities. But it also hinders me as we start to pack up the Canadian and American research material tomorrow. The 30 plus boxes will take up a lot of space. 

God is my refuge and my strength. He lifts me up and comforts me. God be praised.

Sunday and Church

Church today and the prayer group at Church is also praying for Edward's soul. Although he wasn't Anglican I decided to ask them to do that because he has attended Christ Church with me until about 2016 when we no longer went in person. We attended Orleans United as a family from 1979 until the mid to late 1990s and a chance mention in the bulletin about an Old Testament lecture at Dominion Chalmers attracted us and we both enjoyed the wonderful sermons from this lecturer. We then attended Dominion Chalmers for a couple of years until the minister (an Old Testament Scholar) there retired and I just really wanted to go to my Church once again. Having attended his United Church (Orleans United) with him he felt that he would do the same for me which was very nice. I think he missed Orleans United and we still would go occasionally. He was involved in the actual building of the Church structure and was Treasurer for about ten years and in the Choir for 17 years. He loved to sing. 

I know that Ed is with God; God cherishes especially those who have suffered. He is with his father once again who died when he was just two years of age and his mother whom he loved dearly. Letting him go is very hard but his life was well spent as the best husband and father ever and in service to his Church and his country. I really do not know anyone who has volunteered in more organizations.

Ed is a seventh generation Canadian and as much as ninth on some of his lines. His roots are deep for a colonial and he did not grow up with any thoughts of Europe as his ancient home. All of his American Colonial History was lost in his family stories. His ancestry was so exciting as he unfolded it. Trip after trip to various repositories revealed an incredible family history in his many lines. He loved every minute of his retirement searching and discovering these ancient ancestors. Gradually he found his way back to the initial immigrants to the American Colonies in the early 2000s. By 2005 he knew quite a bit about his ancestral background on the European Continent and in the British Isles. He still lacked the immigrant stories of travel from the Old Country to the American colonies. Occasionally we would come across an old record; a family history book that shared details known to the authors. It was an exciting time; we made hundreds of trips down into the United States over time. 

His work with George Anderson as co-host of the UEL trips down into New York State was incredible. Accompanying him was a pleasure as I enjoyed once again seeing my clever husband teaching in talks and slide shows everything he had garnered from the many repositories that we attended. His PhD and MLS had taught him to be an organized researcher and he carried those traits into his new passion and made the world a better place for it. 

Once I persuaded him to fly to Europe that continent too was available to him and we visited repositories in England and France. His ancestry is 30% Dutch, 30% German, 15% French, 10% English and some Danish, Scandinavian, Swiss and Scot. His English lines were ancient but well known to him. We even visited one of the houses that one of his ancestors had lived in. We walked the streets in London where some of them had lived for a short time before departing to America in the 1630s. We stood on the dock at Weymouth where another set of his ancestors departed for the American Colonies in the 1630s. Ed stood by the plaque which recalled the departure of immigrant ships in those early days. 

When his health prevented him from going once again to Europe, he was saddened as there was so much he wanted to visit. We continued to travel about here in Canada meeting new cousins and he would share his research with them. He emailed thousands of cousins over time.

I can not believe that Ed is gone actually; I keep wanting him to return

I can not believe that Ed is gone actually; I keep wanting him to return. I was like that after my grandfather died and for a couple of years before I eventually realized that my beloved grandfather had died. That time I just wanted him back and my mind kept refusing to accept that he was gone (I was eight though when he died). 

I have no idea what he wanted done with most of the possessions that he had. We both worked and with just two children he had spending money to buy anything that he wanted. We did not have a big expensive house. His purchases tended to not be horribly expensive but items that he fancied. Like there are maybe 30-40 of the plates (mostly birds) that were fired in a kiln usually for a fixed number of hours. They are quite beautiful and adorned our walls at various times and he would arrange them in wonderful ways. Most of them are in storage now but what to do with all of those. The books themselves number in the thousands still I suspect although we have reduced our collection by as much as 2/3rds in the last few years. 

But I just genuinely miss him. The last few months I have been with him all the time except for one exercise period a day (running) in the basement where he could ring his bell if he needed me. We were good company for each other; enjoyed the same movies and as it turned out shared his interest in genealogy. 

While he was in the hospital he asked me to separate out the Loyalist books to donate to the library. I was in the process of doing that. I never asked him what he wanted to do with his possessions because I thought he would outlive me to be perfectly honest. I know a few items because they belonged to his Grandfather Link and one of his cousins is quite interested in their mutual grandfather. I can ask him about all the Link things. Even when he was very ill last May and his recovery was somewhat uncertain, he bounced back and I just never asked him things like that. It does make me so much want him to be here along with just the genuine missing of him.

Edward and Europe

 It took me five years to persuade Edward to fly to Europe. He flew all over North America for various reasons during his time working at NRC but flying across the ocean was not something that he wanted to do. His first flight was somewhat disastrous as he experienced back spasms and it was days before he was over that but one of my cousins gave him a tube of Voltaren and that did the trick. He loved our travels with my cousins that was planned to precede our tour and then we took a three week tour of England, Scotland and Wales which he also greatly enjoyed. The return trip was as difficult for him as the trip there. The stewardess was quite concerned about him and brought him gingerale many times. She was so very nice and kind. As soon as we landed he was fine although he did again experience back spasms for a short time. I actually thought he would never try to go again. That was the spring of 2008. Sometime in 2009 he suddenly decided we needed to do a European tour which quite shocked me. I had not really mentioned traveling again other than trips we did here as he loved to go down into the New England States and New York to see where his ancestors had lived and back to southwestern Ontario where he had grown up. We also did a tour in the Maritimes for nearly four weeks with a tour company. We flew to Winnipeg for a Conference and drove all about the area around Winnipeg. I was very keen to go to Europe and we quickly signed up for a three week tour that included starting in London, England then the ferry to France, on to Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, Italy and then finishing in France.  He had a wonderful time; no problems on the flight and thoroughly enjoyed everything planned in the tour. Our flight home was a peaceful time where we watched a movie. A short break then as he came down with a mysterious illness that eventually was solved with a pacemaker and in 2013 we were back in the air to England once again where we walked the streets of London for two weeks. We saw everything that we had ever wanted to see in London. It was a marvelous trip. In 2014 we took a country tour of France for a couple of weeks and that involved going to where Ed's Huguenot families had lived (that possibility quite attracted him to this tour) plus many many other wonderful sites. Our free time in Paris was spent walking the streets as our hotel was in the centre of all the Historic District there. In 2016 we took our last European trip for our 50th Wedding Anniversary and it was about four weeks touring all of the British Isles. This too was a much loved trip. He did want to tour the Rhine and we had booked for that but his illness was creeping up on him and we decided to cancel (indeed the trip was eventually cancelled because of COVID-19). The last couple of months we talked a lot about the trips that we had taken. Most of them I have built a powerpoint file with text and he wanted me to do all of them which I shall do using the indexes he prepared of all the pictures. My projects for the future are starting to get formed in my mind. They will remind me of all our lovely trips together.

One room

All I really need is one room. The reality is that has always been my opinion; I just need one room. Growing up in a large family I was privileged to have my own room and throughout my life I have tried to live my life as if I only have one room. Throughout most of my marriage that was always a shared room but a couple of years ago I set up an office for myself in one of the rooms that wasn't being used any more. It was a good feeling. Gradually I brought everything into that room that I wanted to travel through the rest of my life with me. Gradually Ed did fill the room with his overflow of bookcases filled to the brim but those are going to be donated to OGS. Many of them are Canadian research and my little Canadian line of myself, my mother, her father and his mother are extremely well known to me. So those books could be helping other people. Soon I will once again restore that room to what I really want to keep as I travel this next phase of my life. Living with my two daughters will be a different existence but one that I am looking forward to amid all this grief and change.  

78th Birthday

Today would have been Ed's 78th birthday. Another birthday under lockdown and he did find the lockdown very hard. He loved to get out every day and shop. He loved to get out every day and walk. Today we put the shoe/boot tray back into the hallway by the bathroom at the front door. We had moved it because it was in the way of his walker. I cried for the loss once again. The days will pass and I will cry less and remember more the memories of our 54 and 1/2 years together. But right now I am mourning him and will do so for quite a while yet. 

Happy Birthday my darling Edward. May God wrap His arms around you now and always. Until we meet again and celebrate your birthdays and all days in the clouds together once again.  

We have spent this entire year together he and I as we have all of our years but this time we were together constantly. I managed to persuade Ed to work on his story of his life. We were working through his childhood but the rest of the story is already written as I have written our story from the time we married when I was 20 years old and he was 23 years old and before when we first knew each other. I had written it as my story but I am changing it to our story because it is all about us through the years.

Continuing to work through

There are so many items to work on even though I know all of our finances very well. I just never thought about this happening. Not even once actually. Ed has been ill a while but he kept bouncing back to a level where he managed all of his day to day activities until last November. That time to mid March when he went by ambulance to the hospital was spent caring for him night and day. In the exhaustion that followed not looking after him I rested getting ready for his return. Probably there really isn't anyway to prepare for this deluge of paperwork. Just work through it; try to put out any fires from things you didn't think about and move forward. The light at the end of my tunnel is a long way off but God willing I will make it there. It will be an absolutely different world from what I was used to with my husband. I sang some of his favourite songs to him that last couple of days. Part of me is gone forever but when we meet again we will be as one once again.

Starting to work on the CPP and the Death Benefit where they ask if you were eligible to receive Family Allowance for any children born after 1958. That one certainly threw me. In the very distant past I do believe that I received a cheque for our eldest monthly for awhile but for our youngest I think that my husband's income level was above the level for that at some point after she was born (I do not think that the income level was very high actually before the Family Allowance disappeared). Since we destroy our income tax returns after seven years it is really almost impossible to check that one but of course I am sure that CRA has the records.

When the unanticipated happens

We did not even consider for one moment that Ed would die; he was headed for geriatric rehab. We were all ready for his return home into his hospital bed and working on his favourite projects. We were all set up for that new work session method. Before Ed had sat at his desk and we worked together there with me fetching and carrying whatever he wanted to look at. Now I would sit at his desk, still fetch and carry, but it would be me entering in items, scanning items and he generally deciding where to send the material he had collected. I am still at a loss of how to move all of this forward. Fortunately I am not dependent on his large library which will now go to the OGS Ottawa Branch. I am able to downsize quite a bit as I shall need to. I am simply unable to do all of that plus maintain the house and myself. How was I doing it before? I think I may have been living on overdrive and now I have returned to normalcy and I am pretty exhausted. Slowly I move forward cancelling items that need to be done. The next stage is changing items and that is a huge one that I am investigating. My illness displays as weakness and I am fighting that now. The muscle strength is there but the nerve strength is not. I am resting a lot and doing my restorative exercises. Grief still dominates my day and likely for quite a while. I am grieving a life lost; his time lost on his projects and the emptiness of where he was and still dominates. His presence filled the house.  Moving forward for me does mean moving. I need to escape the workload that surrounds me. I feel the need to properly respect his research as I did when he was living and pass it on to others to enjoy and move forward. My interest in genealogy is slipping; that interest was, I can see, totally dependent on Edward. He liked it that I was doing my family's research and we again had a common interest as we moved forward in our retirement years. Sitting for long hours at a desk isn't really me; life beckons and I like to be out walking enjoying the world around us. Will the interest in my genealogy come back? Not sure.

Edward's hospital bill

 Edward was in hospital for 27 days; he actually prefers the ward although he pays for semi private coverage (he does that for me as I really like to be quiet in a hospital but I haven't been in one as a patient for 39 years and God willing I never will be again!). He finds it interesting talking to the people in the room. The three men at the General in the room with him were very talkative and he often told me how interesting it was to be in with a number of people. His bill for the hospital stay was just the ambulance that drove him there $45.00 and it was his first ambulance to the hospital in three years. I generally drove him to the hospital so that I could choose which hospital but this time he had to go by ambulance. Still sorting through the 27 days in my mind (I spent three days and two nights in the hospital with him). I think he was amazed that I stayed but there wasn't any other place that I would have wanted to be. One thing they could invest in is small cots to sleep on (I think Red Cross uses those). The big bulky chairs take up too much room. But the hospital system is strapped for money; there isn't any spare money in the system. I am contemplating what I could give in Edward's name that would be useful. He would want me to do that in his memory.

Stationery moment

At this time, I am not really accomplishing very much. I am thinking about what I have to do but knowing how to do it eludes me for some things. I am collecting up paperwork that I might need to assist me. I do realize that I am totally absorbed by grief and that will be the case for a while longer. My daughter pushes me to do the things as I need to do them and that is good to have someone to do that. 

I am still not talking to anyone except my close ones. It seems like a time to just close the gates and remember so that I put into my mind forever the details that have great depth and meaning for me. 

Ed's care over the last nearly five years since an ultrasound first pointed at the possibility of his illness has been wonderful. The doctors and nurses have been very helpful, the CCAC was very helpful but for most of the past year his care has been by my daughters and myself. We would have kept going on with that support as long as he needed us. When he suffered from various aspects of his disease we laboured long to eliminate the side effects. He became what he always was all of our marriage the absolute centre but in a different way. When the centre is gone the sides tend to collapse and we are working to shore ourselves up. Grief is never easy but God will see us through. 

I think that my only way forward is to be with my daughters (one or the other) all the time. The memories flow over me from room to room; working in the garden and anywhere that I go here. My husband was talking about selling the house because it is just more than I can manage on my own; he used to help with the cleaning. I think I may follow that thought and move closer to my loved ones.

Continuing to move forward

Time forces you to keep moving forward which is a good thing. I still feel somewhat in the midst thinking that Ed is needing my help but he is now with God and the Angels. It will take me time not to wish that he is still with us. Tying up his research and passing it on will be my next venture but it was to be done together over the next couple of years so shock is still with me that he is gone; so fast so quickly. Mother Nature is both kind and cruel; Edward suddenly reached that point in his life where his health so quickly disappeared totally unexpectedly although his illness meant he was vulnerable and he was peacefully taken from us which was a gift. 

We talked a little about how to celebrate his life and I will begin to look at that over the next little while. He had a number of favourite charity donations including the Montfort Hospital, the Ottawa Hospital, the Heart Institute which was a change from his earlier favourites. He especially appreciated the Heart Institute for their life saving surgery on him in 2012 when the pacemaker was inserted. But he also appreciated the Montfort Hospital where he spent several sessions during the past couple of years. His time in the Ottawa Hospital was less but they too were supportive of him. For me the memory of two nurses (Paulo and his friend) who painstakingly changed his bandages one more time will always be with me. I just wanted the gauze and soaking pads replaced and they did the task so gently that Edward never even made a sound. He was peaceful but awake for the entire process. I think that any memory items probably need to be directed at those institutions as well as others. His favourite Museum was the Nature Museum here in Ottawa and I may think of something there as well over time. One of his joys was the time that he spent as Treasurer and Choir Member at Orleans United Church (over twenty years) and he also mentioned that to me as a memory item.

My next task is to start the switchover to my name of the many items that were in his name. Only when all of that is done can I move forward with his collection of material.

How to manage

Ed and I never really talked about managing after death. I always assumed he would outlive me. He was so much healthier. I am now starting to sort through what I have to do; whom I have to contact and all the items I have to change. I really would rather just continue to grieve Edward.  I have a lot more of that to do. It is too bad it isn't all organized and you just click some boxes at each place where you have to make a change. My nervous disorder is in full swing for sure. But Ed would want me to get through this so I will try to do that for him since he can not be here to help me. Of course my daughters and son-in-law would also help me but I must try and get it done without taking up their time.

Prayers and Blessings for Prince Philip

 At Church today I learned of the passing of Prince Philip. My world has been so small I had not heard. He was a truly great man and will be remembered through the ages.

Why did I finally bring Edward home to die

 First of all Edward wanted to come home and I did promise him that I would take him home. But he was so frail I did not think he could survive the transfer. I wanted his passing to be calm and peaceful and it was. But why did I suddenly react and want to move him home so desperately? I stayed with Ed constantly from the time that they permitted me to see him and make a decision on his end of life care. Once the decision was made I was not going to leave him; I knew that I would be like that. That night in the ward one of the patients in the other bed much to my surprise got up out of his bed (I had watched him being winched from chair to bed so was surprised to see him get up). I was only half awake but he was barely on his feet and down he went onto the floor. His shouts alarmed Edward and I felt as if I was going to lose him at that moment in such a frightened state but I was able to coax him back into relaxation. I had not been able to find the call button so I then went and found the nurse to tell them about the man on the floor. I did not want another night in that room or a weekend for that matter. Staffing in the hospitals is light on the weekend. We were moved to another room and even that short trip was hard on Edward but I stayed close to him and he managed the trip. The next room first thing in the morning after my second night in the hospital the bed alarm went off in the other patient's bed. This time I really felt I was going to lose Ed and he was so alarmed. I wanted his passing to be peaceful. The night had been long and the other patient was moaning which frightened Edward. I resolved to follow through on my request of the day before to go home in spite of the risks. Ed's breathing was shallow just 6 respirations per minute and I coaxed it up to 10 telling him we were going to go home as we were reaching a point where that looked like it could happen. Permission granted and everything in place. As it turned out the trip home was relaxed and I was right by his side coaxing him to relaxation and we arrived home and the best medical transporters in the world brought him into the home gently and carefully and laid him in his hospital bed. He was so happy to be home. 

In retrospect, buying the bed did not turn out to be the best idea. One cannot control the events of life and at the time it seemed the best way forward to have a bed on hand for his imminent return. He was meant to come home after geriatric rehab and enjoy his bed for a couple of years but life didn't flow that way. At least money was saved (and actually more than the refund) because he prefers ward to semi-private and he pays for semi-private in his insurance.

Widowhood and role models

I had never thought to be a widow. My husband was until 2011 extremely healthy. He gardened, walked, lifted weights and generally enjoyed life in a very busy way. He loved to travel and we did do a lot of that especially on this continent but eventually we would spend time in the British Isles and Europe. We even made it to Mexico. Widowhood was just something that I never thought about. My husband, on the other hand, had a widowed mother from the time he was two years old and he had opinions on widowhood actually. My grandmother had been widowed at a young age just 38 years of age and I only knew her as a widow. My mother was widowed at 82 although my father had been in a nursing home since she was 75 years of age. But I was not in close daily contact with either my mother or my grandmother. My grandfather was a widower when I knew him. He had been a widower since he was 65 and had lived with us. So my experience was pretty limited in terms of knowing people who had lost a spouse. 

Both of my daughters have asked me to live with them which is a wonderful offer. My husband especially wanted me to be with our eldest daughter as she is on her own without a husband or children. I will try to make both of my children content and happy and live with both of them. I could live alone and keep up this house and work away at Edward's material but likely I do not have the strength to do that. It is a lot of work to maintain and too big for one person. The last month has shown me my limitations. I quickly become run down and it will take me a little while to regain my strength. My own health has always been somewhat weak but knowing that I tend to take care of myself; limiting myself to keep myself as healthy as I can be.

However, I do want to pass Edward's work on. There are lots of researchers out there and he has many in his contact list. I will begin that process shortly. In the meantime I want to contact Library and Archives Canada to see if they are interested in his large collection of published family books. Many of them are American families with a Canadian component. I am preparing a list of all of these books and what they do not want I can then offer to the local Ontario Genealogical Society Library. The task ahead of me is huge and I must accomplish a good part of it by the end of August. 

Rest in Peace, Dear Edward

My husband after a four year long battle against his failing liver due to cirrhosis secondary to sarcoidosis has gone to the Lord. Edward died at 2:19 am Saturday 10th of April 2021 just six days short of his 78th birthday. He tried so hard to win his battle but it has been a slow gradual steady decline throughout this past year. He died at home. We were able to fulfill his last desire to go home yesterday afternoon. When he arrived he was extremely happy and that happiness continued through the evening. We said goodnight at 10:30 pm and I set up his standing chair as a bed beside his hospital bed in the living room so that we could be together. He was breathing steadily and in no pain at all when he went to sleep. His face was relaxed. At 2:19 am something awoke me and I found that he was not breathing I took his temperature and my own and we were the same temperature. On his face was a look of peace. He loved his home and he was the centre of our lives. God Bless and keep you Edward, May His Countenance shine upon you and Give you Peace. In the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

COVID-19 shot Day two

Really not feeling anything from the injection site. Maybe a tiny bit of tenderness but not really noticeable. No other effects. Up late and then up early talking to the hospital about Edward.

Praying for Edward as he tries to recover. He is determined to get better. Asked him again last night on a video call if he would like to come home but he feels that he will get better in the hospital.  He remains in full control of his care. It is nearly a month since he went in; a lot has happened. He had vertebroplasty and received his COVID-19 vaccine. Not being able to visit with him is a drawback for sure but the video call pointed out to me once again that he is in command of his care. 

One nice thing about a video call is that he can see his wife and two daughters all at once. We have not been together for ages just to prevent any transmissions we have obeyed the guidelines.

COVID-19 shot received

First COVID-19 vaccine shot received and thankyou to Ottawa Public Health and the Ottawa Police for such a well organized clinic. I was in for 9:35 and back in my car at 9:50. Groceries all done and home again by 10:35. I am enjoying the lockdown. Everything is so organized. I wish Ed was healthy and well but perhaps time will mend and bring him along. It is in the hands of the medical world and God.

Basic or minimum income

One subject dear to my heart is basic or minimum income and I see the Liberals are going to debate that at their convention. Such a valuable addition to any country is my belief. You make sure that everyone has a maintenance income and everyone benefits. People receiving a basic income can then improve life for themselves; retrain, develop a cottage industry and the biggest part of all of this is where that money is spent. Basic income doesn't take you very far so it will be spent in the community where you live benefiting the industries that help to ensure that a basic income exists. People who are desperate make mistakes and that includes of a criminal nature. Basic is what it is but can mean a light at the end of the tunnel for all. As a conservative, I see basic income as a necessity in any civilized world. 

Left wondering how best to deal with chronic illness

With all the knowledge of modern medicine chronic illness is still one of the hardest things to deal with I am thinking. I was thinking that Ed had just been in the hospital for his tonsil operation when he was 23 but he also had a hernia operation in 1996 when he was 53. He was in and out the same day but it was a struggle for him to come out of the anaesthetic and get the strength to get up and go home. I finally brought him a bottle of coke and that did it. Amazing stuff actually. We do not drink it very often but it does have a really potent energy surge especially if you do not drink it a lot. Funny that I would be thinking of that but I guess whilst I can not go and see him I wonder how he is doing. Usually he calls me every morning but today was an exception. So I called to see how he is doing but have not heard back from the nurse yet. Really I like to talk to him but he could be tired; had a restless night. I always tell him to just call me but I was getting pretty tired the last few weeks before he went to hospital so he thinks I need to rest likely. 

COVID-19 is certainly creating havoc in the hospital system. So many deaths still and young people sometimes. So many in the ICUs and I keep wishing Ed was here. Too bad I couldn't convince him when I was there for one hour that he should come home. Unfortunately we got interrupted part way through by a procedure so missed some of that time but I did try to persuade him. It must be lonely to be there on Easter Day although he has two others in with him and they do chat. 

But chronic illness was the subject matter. One wonders is there a way to head off some of these chronic illnesses. First you need to know that you might suffer from it and there wasn't anything in the DNA testing that Ed did that would have pointed to any of the illness he has been plagued with the last ten years. But then these DNA kits do not test for everything. I am becoming somewhat convinced that DNA from a medical viewpoint testing of an infant has merit. Knowing possible medical issues at birth would allow the streamlining of healthcare. Nature decrees what DNA you receive but does not determine how that DNA affects you; you do, lifestyle is so very very important. What has staved off Ed's problems all these years was his very active lifestyle walking, biking to work, downhill skiing, canoeing and ice skating. He isn't really into team sports but he really does enjoy sports. I couldn't get him to do my calisthenics which might have helped him now as it would have kept his muscles toned during these last couple of years.  

That is likely pretty futuristic because of insurance concerns I suppose. What we need is a health care system that manages all of health care including medical insurance. Doctors know what patients need and eliminating commercial medical insurance would make the system more equitable and possibly more sustainable because of the premiums that we pay for medical insurance (the tiered system of insurance could still exist which I guess does take away from the idea of universal medical care but in the long run I rather think people would benefit). All of that money going into health care would certainly augment the system just as the Health Tax in Ontario was so beneficial and continues to be beneficial to the Health Care system here and it is tiered.   

 

The Wonders of the Modern Life

This Easter is wondrous to contemplate the wonders of the modern life. I was at Church using You-Tube today. It has become my preferred method of going to Church to be honest. I actually haven't been anywhere except for the oil change for the car last week and visiting Ed in the hospital for weeks. I can not visit him in the hospital now as the floor he is on is off limits for the time being. It was good to see him last week even though it was just one hour. He was stronger in some ways but I do fear for him. I asked him if he would like to come home but he said he wasn't strong enough yet. He knows that the past three months has been very hard on my daughter and myself as we worked our way forwards trying to solve the problem of his back and his rapidly deteriorating mobility. COVID-19 is certainly to blame for some of the inability to really work on that. I have no idea how to proceed in some cases since everything is a process that has to be managed. In the hospital he is receiving physio daily and hopefully his strength will return in sufficient fashion for him to go to geriatric prehab and then come home. We are ready here although still need to know all the equipment we might need to manage. 

A Blessed Easter Day

 I have been blessed to celebrate Easter Day so many times upon this earth. Christ is Risen. Alleluia.

My Three newsletters - Blake, Pincombe and H11

 I am far behind with five issues now missing in total but do plan to get caught up as I did last year. I may start with H11 because it will be the first issue of the volume and I do my country roundup. The size of the group has grown this past year but considering how many have tested at FT DNA and the number who have joined the project I am still looking at a small proportion and an even smaller proportion of the world's population of H11 individuals. Known to have lived at the Ukraina Refuge during the Last Glacial Maximum, this group fanned out from that location most into Europe/Scandinavia but also into Russia. The number although small relative to H haplogroup and an even smaller portion of the world's many maternal haplogroups is still in the millions I would suspect (perhaps as high as 50 million worldwide).

Spring really has come

I walked around the garden yesterday to check out the blooms so that I could share that with Ed on our morning telephone call today. He was pretty busy though so will save it for later. He sounded stronger again today. I do wish he could be home. But he has to feel that we can all manage and he doesn't feel well enough yet to be here. It must be lonely in the hospital though on this long Eastern weekend although I have to admit there was a lot of quiet talking and movement in the background whilst I was talking to Ed. 

Yesterday he wasn't feeling well but today he said that really poor feeling had passed and he was feeling stronger and more determined today. He has a big battle to fight that is for sure and it is constantly draining his strength. 

I continue working my way through all of  his material and yesterday he wanted me to pull out all the Loyalist material (books, etc) so that he can give it to the St Lawrence Branch of the UEL. Just on three shelves I already have a box of books and will continue that quest. It is good to have direction as I  have not worked with Ed's families in a decade concentrating on writing up my own whilst he worked on his families. 

Today I found two good matches on 23 and Me with Pincombe cousins and another with a Knight cousin. Each one fits into the grand scheme of my families' DNA which is the direction that most of my research is traveling in these days. I have locations for most of my family lines back into the 1700s (just one great grandmother remains somewhat of a mystery but being my mitochondrial line I do have an ancient picture of her line with respect to the ancient maternal ancestor)  and earlier (as far back as the 1400s for a few of those lines).  So a little work getting done on my lines but my biggest concentration will be getting Ed's material organized to make it easier for him to downsize it to cousins or groups whichever is relevant.