When the unanticipated happens

We did not even consider for one moment that Ed would die; he was headed for geriatric rehab. We were all ready for his return home into his hospital bed and working on his favourite projects. We were all set up for that new work session method. Before Ed had sat at his desk and we worked together there with me fetching and carrying whatever he wanted to look at. Now I would sit at his desk, still fetch and carry, but it would be me entering in items, scanning items and he generally deciding where to send the material he had collected. I am still at a loss of how to move all of this forward. Fortunately I am not dependent on his large library which will now go to the OGS Ottawa Branch. I am able to downsize quite a bit as I shall need to. I am simply unable to do all of that plus maintain the house and myself. How was I doing it before? I think I may have been living on overdrive and now I have returned to normalcy and I am pretty exhausted. Slowly I move forward cancelling items that need to be done. The next stage is changing items and that is a huge one that I am investigating. My illness displays as weakness and I am fighting that now. The muscle strength is there but the nerve strength is not. I am resting a lot and doing my restorative exercises. Grief still dominates my day and likely for quite a while. I am grieving a life lost; his time lost on his projects and the emptiness of where he was and still dominates. His presence filled the house.  Moving forward for me does mean moving. I need to escape the workload that surrounds me. I feel the need to properly respect his research as I did when he was living and pass it on to others to enjoy and move forward. My interest in genealogy is slipping; that interest was, I can see, totally dependent on Edward. He liked it that I was doing my family's research and we again had a common interest as we moved forward in our retirement years. Sitting for long hours at a desk isn't really me; life beckons and I like to be out walking enjoying the world around us. Will the interest in my genealogy come back? Not sure.