I am still on that train ride and can not get to the station yet where I can get off and rest a while. Waiting and wondering what I have to switch and what I need help with and how to reach the areas where problems get solved. Still grieving Ed and he did think everything was organized. I think it mostly is but I keep watching for things to happen - the car loan should have come off today and did not. Ed always felt it was good for his credit rating to have a small loan. Will try to solve that one today. The next big hurdle is in the lawyer's hands which is fortunate as we are in lockdown and I am sure they know how to manage around that. I am used to Ed managing all of these things. He enjoyed doing that actually but I did always tag along for the ride; I suppose I should have taken on more responsibility but I tend to get ill when I get too involved so he preferred that I just sit and listen and do whatever it was he wanted. He enjoyed his life; had a few disappointments but just moved on from that. The biggest joys other than his children did come later in life during his retirement. He was always interested in his family and our first genealogy trip out of Canada to the US in 1973 was to search out his Kipp roots. We had already during the seven years before that spent time at the Toronto Archives and local Archives trying to find out more information. His discoveries over those seventeen years after retirement were an enormous joy to him.
Still packing up books for the OGS Library and UEL Library. Those were Ed's two requests for his books being downsized. We will do our best to fulfill that request. I also learned that Friends of the Archives would likely take all of his historical novels to resell at their book sale so they could go there; we had them slotted for Salvation Army along with other miscellaneous books. Still so much to do but there is plenty of time before selling the house. Found someone to take his huge bookcases - solid wood and he stained them beautifully. They had already taken one and will take the other five that are the same. Still another two big bookcases and five slightly smaller ones but not quite as big as those. They are not solid wood so will just try to put them out and see if anyone wants them. The rest I will keep for the books that remain and surprisingly that is seven smaller bookcases. No wonder our children wondered if they lived in a library!
I will likely donate all of Ed's medical equipment to one of the agencies mentioned by CCAC. They will get good use I am sure. At first I thought I would keep everything as I am getting older and I would much rather fade away at home quietly and I may yet keep everything. We will see what I am like after all of this exertion. I feel drained most days as my strength is being taxed to its limit. The year of nursing Ed has been hard on me and now trying to work through everything is also very taxing.
Perhaps the train will sit on a siding for a bit in May while we work away at downsizing. I could use a break. I almost tremble thinking that COVID-19 has made my hibernating a normal event in people's lives. Although I found it pleasant and easy to just be here all the time, my husband found it confining and restricting. He just wanted to do his usual walking and shopping and he just couldn't get into the mind set of walking about the house round and round so he was not getting enough exercise which was actually harmful to him. I do hate COVID-19 and feel like Edward was also a victim of it even though he fortunately never caught it. But it stopped his usual activity and that was really bad for him I think.
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