Continuing to move forward

I am continuing to move forward although my daughters and I do find grief is still very much with us. Today the pharmacist kindly certified copies of our wedding registration so that I can now send in the two items to the CPP. Everything is just a little bit more difficult with a lockdown. Grocery shopping today for the first time in nearly a month. Grocery store looked entirely different as they have ripped up the old flooring and are redoing the shelving. But the order was there more or less and I was in and out in about 20 minutes. Not too many people shopping early. I was home just after 9 from my two trips. 

Still a lot to do and a couple of phone calls today to clarify items. I sound so foreign to myself when I am talking. In the midst of grief one takes on a sort of personality that helps you to keep going but you are wrapped in a wall that seals you away from everyone other than the necessary items that have to be done. 

Planning the plants for around Ed's urn. I have a beautiful table that we bought many many years ago that I will use. Ed so loved gardening both inside and out. I am not much of a gardener but thus far his indoor plants are thriving. I have always been a support person in our household and I do like to have my own projects to occupy me. But principally I am a person who prefers to be at home quietly pursuing my projects. I did like working but that was a different facet of my personality. All of my jobs had interesting points and when they no longer did I tended to move on. Ed was a stayer; once in a job he stayed. He loved working at the National Research Council - he would have loved being a scientist all of his life but a small part of me was not sorry to see him go into Library Science. He had colds when he worked in a laboratory with all those chemicals. Working with books he was extremely healthy the entire time he worked at NRC. 

Still have to work on the burial plan at Beechwood. He wanted to be buried there. I can not decide yet how to do all of that. We did not complete our original plan so Ed's preparation was done separately. Now I need to develop a plan for myself including a burial plot to have it ready for the day when I join my husband. Do I keep his urn until I am buried is the question uppermost in my mind at the moment? I will answer that at a later date. My daughters are planning a Family Memorial in the summer for their Dad. 

Moving into widowhood I am doing at a very slow rate. I would rather still have Edward with me. He still had so many plans and places to go. Still so much writing to do most of which I can not do because I initially helped him with his research but then went onto my own. I cannot do both so my own will be my pursuit of the future. But I do want to make sure all of his research is shared with his thousands of cousins that have corresponded with him. Hopefully some will write me to help with that task. Time will tell.