Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed at the moment. There is so much to do. I need to keep moving forward getting projects done. I keep thinking now this could have happened last May when he was so very ill and I was less involved in the business of the day. My husband preferred to maintain everything; pay all the house bills and generally manage our lives. I was quite content to just live in that bubble that he created. It was an easy life after I retired. He preferred to make all the decisions with or without my input but I did not complain. Life was always interesting living with Ed. Looking after him physically all year with my daughters help and gradually assuming the financial impact of looking after the house and our lives was a gradual event that happened simply because he was no longer able to do it all. But in reality he paid the January bills at the beginning of January although I did help him enter everything. I actually taught him bookkeeping because I studied it in school. But he quickly learned electronic bookkeeping on his own. 

Last night we packed three boxes of books. A beginning that has to be multiplied by 20 times perhaps. The number of boxes might be less than I imagined. Although there are still a lot of bookcases to do. The charity boxes are filling. The biggest problem is where to take all this material. We are in lockdown. 

It was perhaps too early to attend a Grief Workshop on the one hand as I really did not participate. On the other hand I did see the normal flow of Grief explained which will be helpful to me in the days ahead. I will be less frightened by it. I can see the grief I felt now when my beloved grandmother died and later when my parents passed away and my oldest brother and then second oldest brother. You do not always notice when you are grieving except in hindsight I expect.