Time change - up early

  Coincidental with my independent 19 year old thoughts was the knife attack. I was helping someone at work to move away from a situation in which she was uncomfortable. It seemed an easy thing. A friend of her sisters was going to drive us and help carry anything if we found it too heavy. He was waiting down at the door as he didn't want to inflame the situation. The two women were not actually supposed to be there and the girl I worked with was surprised to see them home at that time. For some reason one of the women didn't like my name; no idea why. She screamed at me and I just ignored her; one never really knows how to react around such behaviour to be honest. Then she attacked me with a butcher knife except I ran away; I ran like the wind down the stairs and the person who came with us ran upstairs past me and told me to get in the car and lock the doors. I remember that so well. The two of them came out a few minutes later with all the stuff that had been packed up. They did try to talk to me but I just wanted to be quiet and asked them to take me home. Then I asked them to drop me at the top of the street as I just wanted to walk home and not have any questions as to why I was coming home in a strange car! I never talked about it really. Gradually I managed to go out of the house after a couple of days and then I was walking like normal (I always enjoyed a good walk or run). I just forced it all out of my mind. All the weird things the woman had said about me and my family. At work the person I helped did talk to me one time but I avoided her after that. She said they were "stoned." I had no idea what stoned meant to be honest but decided it must be drugs. That didn't actually help to know that; I had trusted this person to have managed the situation so that I just helped her to move out. I really thought it was all over and I would just move on with my life. And I did; Edward and I were starting to talk way back then and a year and a bit later we were married. Although in truth it changed me greatly.

Fast forward to the birth of my first child and the exhaustion which followed due to a difficult delivery. Then I went back to work too early (to quote the doctor!).  I needed to wait longer but we did need the money so I did do that. I was bombarded by comments and the like and suddenly that fear that I had felt the day of the knife attack returned but it was fear for my child. Exhaustion soon set in and I was eventually hospitalized; had to leave my job which I actually loved. I was working in Finance and just starting to use my COBOL training. But that is about all that I remember. The actual time between sensing that incredible fear and my recovering in the hospital is still lost to me. I wonder sometimes if I need to find it but the psychiatrist always told me to just move on; the past belongs in the past and I did follow that advice and still do. If you can not change the past then you must just leave it there and find a life that works for you. My life did work for me and so I moved forward. But that life is changed forever with the death of Edward and so I must now sort out my life and continue to live it as God would have me do. Gradually that is happening.

I can not  get up interest in learning if the diagnosis of multiple sclerosis still is with me to be honest. I find it hard to believe that I have had multiple sclerosis since I was 29 years of age though. Can one really go into remission for so many years?